What if I make it, I have no words to describe this feeling that almost chokes me, that my stomach becomes so tight and I can't take a deep breath....
What if my name is recognized everywhere ?
What if Im not able to keep up with those expectations ,and I won’t be able to help anyone the way they want me too?
These are the thoughts that are going through my head as I think about sharing what that I know.
I know how silly this may sound to you, but it is such a big thing for me.
I have been told to just show up, to keep going, to share things that I know and do, but something is stopping me, what exactly is that I am supposed to share?
What is that I know that others don’t ?
What If I can’t be there for others when they need me to be, and What does that look like?
These are all things that scare the bejebers out of me!
Funny ,it's not a big deal when I am sitting with a client one on one , I just get into that space of helping or just sharing my experiences and how they can find some inspiration to start to heal themselves , but the minute I think on a bigger scale, what if i can’t keep up with all the new clients or if I cant be there for those in need , this is were I begin to loose everything, the insights, the security, the real me.
It wasn’t until now that I made that connection, that I am afraid of success not failure but why? What was the reason behind it? This was the missing link to my question ...
I want to be there and see you succeed, I get totally invested into my clients and I want to see them succeed, get healthier be their best and connect with who they truly are.
I remember when I begun my Hands on Healing Journey, my teacher Reverend Vera Molinaro ( Momma) as I love to refer to her by, had taught us how to use the energies to heal others, this was something that I had no previous knowledge, my hand would constantly get super hot and sweaty when I was beside someone who needed healing, but I had no idea what this meant or what it was before I begun to learn about my spiritual path, I thought that it meant I has hot and needed cooling.
As a child, I have been told by family members that I would constantly run over to someone who had been hurt ,and push past the adults to place my hands on them,I have no recollection of this, until my teacher came into my life and she thought us to use our hands and harness the energy to help others heal.
I begun to help others and share my abilities with them, until one day when I had a client that ended up in the position of a cross, with her legs slightly apart and her arms open as she was in the shape of Jesus, when I opened my eyes and we both came back to this dimension she couldn’t move her arms, she had been in this position for the whole session, after this one session we both thought it was a one time thing and so we tried it again, and again it happened, this time I kept my eyes a bit open so I could see what what happening.
I would usually keep my eyes closed and allow my intuition to place my hands where the client needed the healing or the energy to go.
This lead to my fear, my hands were on fire, the extremely intense heat that was emanating from my palms scared me to death, I didn't know what was happening, and didn’t know how to stop it, now one that I talked to knew how to explain this, so I shot it down, stopped seeing clients, and if I did I kept my eyes opened ,this way I could control the intense energies that would come trough.
For years I questioned it, why was this happening?
Did I do something wrong? what brought this on?
How come others never experienced this?
One of the Psychic that I had a reading with, explained to me that I was a part of the higher realm of Crist, and that if I chose to harness these powers I could, that it was up to me to accept or not, but my human side was too scared.
Now how does one get her thoughts, mind around this?
My ego would not allow it,I know we are all a part of Crist consciousness, why am I special?
The fear is just that little nagging thought of " who do you think you are?" as a human being we have a lot of fears installed in us, it could be from our parents to our friends, coworkers , teachers, mentors, and also past life's just to name a few.
I have been in the spiritual Community for 20 something years, and I know that we have many fears, the fear of failure, the fear of judgement , the fear of not being good enough, not having the right thing to say or do, but this morning as I sat here to meditate, I begun to think about posting about the salves that I make and would like to start to sell, and I felt my stomach tightened, when I checked in to see what it was about, this is what came up, the fear of actually SUCCEEDING !
Wow my thought begun to spin as I am sitting here and trying to share this, I feel that tightness in my stomach, how is this gonna be viewed ? am I going to be ridiculed?
I'm I sharing too much, or not enough?
I know that in order for me to work through this I have to just share, let it go, talking about it aloud is one of the way I know how to heal, holding it in and just acknowledging this is how I am feeling doesn’t work for me.
The Shamanic practitioner journey training has been a life saver for me, it has thought me to use my tools that I was giving to help myself to get better at it, walking my path is what heals me, this is not traditional or a one path for all, it has to be the path that I feel connected too, the one of my soul, where my spirit and my soul come together as one, my heart and my intuition is one, it is my way, it is what gives me spark, that unique way I like to connect with the plants, the wind, the waters, the earth, everything around me that brings me joy, that is my authentic self.
It makes me sad when I can’t communicate this with others, when I had to try to change myself because I didn’t fit in with the others, the worry about being misunderstood or made fun for being silly or too out there..
In my childhood I have been bullied and made fun for not being like them, I remember no one would play with me because I was this weird thin shy kid who would never speak up, and always cry if someone was getting hurt or abused by others, but I would sit with them by their side and just be there with them.
These are what shaped me, these experiences have being my teachers, and will continue to be my teacher, as I am getting older and understanding more I feel blessed, I will always have layers to peel back, but with every layer that I am peeling back it will reveal a better understanding of who I am as a soul.
I am sharing from the heart, still with my stomach in a knot but it is easing up, I trust that you too will find your unique path and we will meet up eventually.
So much love from my heart to yours.
Carmela ~ Arising Spirit